I miss

i miss you.. everything about you :(

I wish for you to be truly happy

Its that one day in your life where you get to feel special, get to be the centre of attention and get to have that one wish... But it isn't my birthday its the one that i love... I know i am not there, i know i let go, and i know I've hurted you...But its your birthday and even though i dont get to make a wish.. i still will.. i wish only the best for you..i wish you all the love in the world, all the joy, all the happiness... no more tears, no more pain, and no more me... I ve been the worst person i could possibly have imagine ... and i cry not because you ve hurt me but I cry because i see you get hurt by me.. and i can't do anything about it... my best gift to you so far in the realtionship is to let you go... let you be the special someone you are... so on this day.. on your day I truly wish you all the best... And that someone will pour their hearts out for you like i did and maybe even more... i love you and you ll always be my baby ko :(:

What am i really holding onto?

In life there are many types of relationship that we are presented with.. either that be family love, loves from friends, love and compassion from a stranger or Love with someone who claims to be that person for you...I my self question the last one all the time... someone who claims to love you.. what is love for them and what is love for you? a question i always ask and never seem to find the correct answer..is it meant to be something mutual or is meant to be unbalanced?? does everyone have their fair share or is there one that is more dominant... I myself have been in relationship now for seven months.. i think back and look back to when i first said those three words and now i wonder the reasoning behind me saying it...back then when i said it was filled joy and happiness but now i seem to say it out of resentment or out of fear... fear of losing someone you begun to make your world revolve around...I today was given a proposal from the one that so called loves me... they suggest "we spend too much time together we need time apart i dont wanna see everyday" ..its funny isn't it .. the person i once took for granted said that they loved me and want to be with me every day and i replied i loved them to but i didnt want to spend everyday with them... and now today i say i love you and wanna be with you everyday and my response is i love you but i think everyday is too much... Karma...life definetly has a way with playing with you..I now today question myself why do i still love someone whose changed so much..whose brought upon so much misery compared to happiness...and to be honest i myself have no idea...maybe its the fact that i ve built my life around them now, everything i do involves them and i'm afraid these plans might shatter or i cant go at it alone? or maybe its just because i am so used to it now? or maybe cause i love them so much that i just cant let go... Whatever the reason it could never be mutual.. The things I've done the things i've given up.. they would never know..It's funny how life gets you back..once upon a time i took a love one for granted.. I'd never had him top of my priority list..did i love him .yes. but did i put him first? no...Today i am left with the same thing now the claimed love of my life chooses fun over me like that *click*... and yet i cant help to pull myself away i just cant... Life is funny but its never fun...the pain i go through the tears i cry soemtimes they are done in vain..never to be felt..never to be known.. and never to be heard.. So will my life get any better from this oe will i always be put second or third and never first.. will i never find someone who can have the mutual ideas and feelings of a realitonship as i do..maybe the perfect person in life for you is someone who gets their definition of love to match yours... or someone to redefine love for you or you for them..maybe thats true love..and maybe just maybe one day i would be happy....maybe just maybe one day i ll be worth more than thought and valued more then i am granted at the moment...maybe just maybe life can be fun and not funny...Maybe

Birthday's Dread or Love

Day by day each year, there is always that one countdown that everyone does, and I don't mean like the new years count down, its the countdown to your birthday. The day supposedly in the whole year thats suppose to be dedicated to yourself, the one day where people around you make you feel special, the one day that you realise you made a difference to the people around you, the difference you made to the world and also the difference you've made to yourself. Your birthday is a mark of your life experiences, the end of a chapter and a beginning of a new in your book. With age people say comes knowledge comes experience and comes purpose for which you are born. As the human beings God has made us to be, we all think that we are special in way or another and that is true but as true as that sounds the other truth is sometimes people will not recognise that special you. Some people may not even acknowledge your existence let alone your birthday.. And yet it may not bother you the whole world doesnt know its your birthday, you don't mind if the people that pass you by dont greet you the best wishes and you may not even care if people who message you on facebook with their wishes mean it or not.... You care about the people thats around you, those that you've been raised with, those you've created a bond with and especially the one you love.. Some may ask their loved ones to acknowledge their existence on that day with gifts and praise and celebration.. others prefer to keep it mellow and just prefer to wake up to their loved ones with a smile and just simple wishes or even a hug... I myself though i must admit seem to be very materialistic and vain but my birthday wishes have been simple for the past five years its just that i get to be loved by a special someone and spend my birthday with them.. have a picnic, watch the sunset, go water skiing i dont know as long as it was just the two of you .. the world cease to exist.... but still wishes dont always come true, five years running noting that this will be my sixith, i havent had once an actual birthday where i ve spent with anone i loved its either i ve been alone or people have failed to remmber or its just me and myself....I guess I've learnt to deal with it but deep down there still that little boy whose blowing a candle inside himself for the same wish every yaer and keep telling himself it will eventually happen..someday i know it will happen.

Regret, Pride and Stupidity

Living in a world where everywhere you turn and everyone you see your constantly being judge. To live in a world like such there is no blame for the insecurity that human beings are grown to live with... As a safety blanket we tend to hide these insecurities of ours through Lies and excuses... In front of others we would lie about our friends our family, our life and even our loved ones..Why?.. because we don't anyone in life to look down on us or we try to fit in... we lie about what we have, what we don't have and what we want... we lie so much in life that a point in life we begin to fool even oursleves we begin to lose our intuitions, our morales and even our true selves... then if there are any flaws within these lies... what do we do? we fill it up with excuses... but a jar can only hold so many cookies and our lives can only hold so much lies and excuses.... Once caught up in these lies we are at times unable to be honest because were scared of the word "pride".. by being honest we think we lose pride and makes us vunerable to being judged.. Sometimes we have to much pride and that can stand in the way of us being happy.. we're so caught up with trying to perfect ourselves in front of others and to our fake selves that we eventually loose this thing we call "happiness" ... We do things where we regret and knowing we have the chance we can fix it with sometimes what a simple word like "sorry" but why don't we do it? because ..because of the thing called pride.. we live in regret and realise at a point in time why we are so stupid.. what have we got to loose a bit of pride for our happiness.. So live life with a bit more courage and bit more dignity.. dignity not to the world and people around you but dignitiy for yourself do things that will make you happy... Too much pride= regrets= stupidity so I admit it sometimes i have to much pride and i think its time to realise i rather be stupid and happy then .. fake proud and self regret.. :) I'm with stupid

Waiting

LIfe is a waiting game, sometimes you wait for the perfect moment to ask a question, sometimes you wait for an answer and sometimes you just wait to hear those specific words and lets face it boys you know you wanna hear it as well. Sometimes the wait seems so long but then when it comes , it makes your day and relieves you of the burden of waiting. Then there are times when you're waiting to be asked something or wait to give an answer but you never get that chance and you keep telling yourself you can wait but really deep down you begin to ask yourself " really can i continue, can i keep waiting?", all the effort you put in just to hear those words but everyday it seems more unliekly to happen then at that point you begin to live in despair. With waiting comes hope and with hope comes despair. ife is the ultimate watiing game because everyone is born into world filled with waiting. Everyday we wait for something, may that something be waiting to see a loved one or waiting for the school bell to ring at the end of a day. We wait for the good and expect the bad. The bigger the thing we wait for the more hope we place in it, may that thing be a tattersalls ticket or even just a simple question. To live in a world filled with things to wait for we must learn to have patience. As human as we are and as unique as each individual we are everyone has their own tolerance of patience. Patience may be a virtue but waiting is a bitch. So with a set patience live , learn and respect. :) p.s. if your keeping someone waiting dont be a douche waiting is painful.

To live to lie to cry.. the first true chapter- to live

Were living in a world filled with loved, hatred, Joy, sadness, awe and wonder... The question thats been asked by many philosophers is " why do we live , whats the purpose of life?" ... To me i think there is no answer to satisfy the question and there isn't any true satisfaction that will bring an answer to the question. As the human race, each individual will strive for perfection, from the way we present ourselves in public to the way we look and think of ourselves in our own reflection through a mirror. We strive to be popular, we want to have a place in society, we want to be loved by everyone that surrounds us, but little do we realize that each step we think we are closer to perfection a bigger hole of imperfection is left behind. I myself am not here to judge anyone by any chance but i've seen it for myself people who want to make friends try to make themselves fit in may that be losing weight, trying to buy the unafforable clothes or to just brag on about themselves.... but truly the worries and the effort that they go through brings them the vast amount of misery only to realise that the joy of the achievement was not worth all the sorrow at all... Everything in life seems to be balance.. in life were given both good and bad things.. but if we try to obtain too much of one thing it seems we throw of this balance.. and most of the time the balance is uncontrollable.. but we've be taught in movies that we should give everything a risk give it a chance... perhaps the teachings are right if you take a chance at something your unsure you might end up having more good then bad or visa versa... Life its all an experience people say and i say thats completely true... Like i said life can be a balance of good and bad but the experience that we have in life may give us an upper hand at the risk we take that is to ensure we have more of an idea of the result as of a decision.... So i say take life as it comes, dont try to define the purpose of life, learn from experiences and try to upperhand and the good and bads of life....